Hold On: Know when to let go

“Like a dog with a bone”. There are some things in life that are just too hard for us to let go of.  This could be an opinion, a belief, a relationship, or a habit. Some time the things we hold on to are not good for us or the relationships around us.

Our little dog named Kobi is part terrier, and terriers are known for their single mindedness and persistence. This little guy is loyal and friendly most of the time, but if he has his mind set on something he won’t retreat or give it up. One of these times, is if he has a bone. You can pull on it, shake it, but he won’t let go. He growls and snarls in displeasure that you are trying to get it off him. It either takes a lot of distractions to get him to let it go or he will go and bury it so he can retrieve it at another time.   

I know a time in my own life when I should have let an issue go, but I was like Kobi, I defended it and wouldn’t. Consequently, I nearly lost a close friend because of it. I had become so obsessed about avenging my own hurt and began to justify that how I was behaving was okay. Nothing was further from the truth. The real damage occurred not because I had an issue, but because I kept burying my issue and then bringing it back up repeatedly to my friend.  My issue had become my obsession and it was blocking me from living a productive, fulfilled and others-focused life.  

There are times when it is important to defend, hold on to or justify a position in life, but it can’t be at the expense of bringing unnecessary division and harm to yourself and others.

“We are all entitled to an opinion, but not if it’s an opinion of entitlement”

 In his book ‘The Power of Letting Go.’ John Purkiss says there are 6 steps to letting go.

1-      Let thoughts come and go. Don’t judge them or engage with them. That will only cause mental turmoil. Just allow them to come and go...

2-      Let go of labels. There’s no need to label people or situations. Just look closely at whatever’s in front of you. Be curious and open-minded. You’ll start to see everything in a new way.

3-      Let go of judgements. Many of us perpetually judge whatever’s happening as right or wrong. It creates lots of mental turmoil. If you give yourself a break from judging, you’ll find yourself tuning in to what’s actually happening. Then you’ll be able to do something constructive about it.

4-      Let go of stories. Life is a series of unrelated events, which our minds connect up to create stories. Most of these stories are negative such as ‘This keeps happening to me’, ‘People are so rude’ and ‘All politicians are liars’. Stories make us feel powerless. Once we let go of them, we feel much more positive. We start taking action that gets results.

5-      Let go of expectations. Most of us have expectations about how people should behave and how things should be. Again, the mind has made the whole thing up. Then we suffer when life doesn’t fit our expectations. It’s best if we let go of them. We can still tell people what we want them to do. If they don’t do it, we can find another solution. In the meantime, it’s best to drop our expectations.

6-      Let go completely. This is the final step, described in [my] book. I’m going to include it here, so you see how powerful letting go can be if you go the whole way. I invite you to drop everything, including labels, judgements, stories, expectations…

 My 5 Learnings:

·       To identify things that frustrated me and evaluate if are they worth holding onto

·       It is OK to have feelings of frustration and hurt, but only briefly

·       Try not to have to high expectations of people and situations, to a level where they fail, and I become frustrated.

·       Rather than bury issues or hurts, make resolving them the priority

·       Communicate proactively about my frustration and hurts

Find freedom in stepping away and releasing what is holding you back or trapping you into a position that is destructive to you and others. Try and take a helicopter view and use your energy, time, and space to build not destroy. 

 My 3 Questions for you:

·       What is stopping you from letting something go that you are defending?

·       What is agitating you when you talk about certain topics with others?

·       What can you do to move forward from a past hurt?

“The day I understood everything, was the day I stopped trying to figure everything out. The day I knew peace was the day I let everything go.” – C. JoyBell 

 If you have something you have learnt from this blog, or if there is something you have questions about, please Talk to me. I would be happy to chat with you.

 Remember daily to, “Find value in your influence”